Things #KristieHates
Kristie HATES things. A LOT of things. I've created this page to help me remember all of the things my wife HATES.
Parades
Kristie has zero interest in celebrating Independence, Thankfulness, or Santa with waving politicians and marching bands. Maybe she would change her mind if she knew that parades date back to ancient Mesopotamia, where rulers would march over the bones of their vanquished enemies? Our local town better keep an eye on that suggestion box.
OkraSometimes referred to as “Lady Finger”, this seed pod is technically a fruit and used in a variety of Southern American cuisine. Despite being rich in magnesium, fiber, antioxidants, vitamins c, K1, and A, there’s only ONE “Lady Finger” Kristie uses to describe these delicious seed pods.
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Picnic TablesDesigned in 1903 by Charlie H. Nielsen of Kreischerville, New York, this ingenious invention is still used by millions of people over a century later. However, criticism of these table started some time in 2020 and likely goes back as far as the early 1980’s. Assailed for its simplistic design and ability to blend in with nature, Kristie frequently voices her displeasure with these wooden tables. I personally think she hates them because they provide an enjoyable outdoor dining experience.
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McDonaldsGuess who’s not loving it??? Much like the long forgotten McD LT, that hot side gonna stay hot, and that cold side gonna get even colder if you ask her to stop at the golden arches.
Ba Da Ba Ba Bye…. |
Christmas VillagesYou know that warm fuzzy feeling you get in December when you grab a hot chocolate, get the fireplace roaring, pull up a furry blanket and admire your little Christmas Village setup in the corner of the room? You couldn’t drag that feeling out of Kristie with all 8 of Santa’s reindeer. Even though these villages are 1:32 the size of a real Christmas village, her hate is still 1:1.
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I Spy
I Spy, with my little eye........someone that hates everything. I guess in a perfect (Kristies) world, kids wouldn't need to learn how to be observant of the world around them. They probably wouldn't walk around doe-eyed and bumping into everything. Finding ways to keep kids occupied in the car with silly games like this is way overrated. We should just go back to letting them slap their sibling or play with the cigarette lighter.
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Mary Jane's Last DanceCan someone really be this "Petty"? I mean, i really am heartbroken over this. What is it? Is it Indiana? Maybe the Party Dress? Could it be last dances? Who knows, but whenever I play the song, I feel the rage creeping in, and im tired of this hate again.
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Air ConditioningI live with a psychopath. This title could have easily said “Kristie Hates Me” but I thought that sounded harsher than the climate inside my house.
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RedLet me set the stage: Family readies a board game.
Daughter: I’m gonna be yellow, Daddy can be green, and mommy you can be RED. Kristie: Ugh, I hate RED Me: that’s really odd for someone who sees so much of it. |
Fractions
If Kristie has ½ an onion and ½ a Oatmeal Cream Pie, how much hate does Kristie have? A WHOLE. A WHOLE lot of hate for fractions! I’m pretty sure this is why her wine glass is never half empty and always full. Clearly she is not RATIONAL.
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Customers in T-Mobile
Imagine going to upgrade your phone and discovering that there are other people in YOUR T-Mobile store!! I’m working with them on an alert system. 1-800-TMobileisKristies Ext. GETOUT. Use the link below to let them know how we feel about this injustice.
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The BeatlesThe most influential band of all time is obviously hated by the most influential hater of all time. This band ushered in pop music and was one of the most revolutionary bands of all time. But Nah. Hits like; She Loves You, A Hard Days Night, Twist and Shout, and Come Together. Just garbage.
“Oh yeah, I'll tell you something I think you'll understand When I'll say that something Dont wanna hold your hand Dont wanna hold your hand Dont wanna hold your hand” |
Bloody MaryThings Kristie Likes: Vodka, Breakfast, Nutritional value, and hangover helpers.
Things Kristie Hates: Bloody Mary Don't ask me. I don’t know. All reasons why this website exists. |
Oregon TrailKristie hated this educational classic where you get to learn what it was actually like to be a pioneer in 1848 while sitting at a computer. How else should we expect adults of tomorrow to learn to barter, hunt or buy supplies from wooden forts in the heartland of America? Apparently, she didn’t need those skills. Well Kristie, when you get dysentery you only have yourself to blame.
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PuddingGuess who's getting a new nickname??!!!!!!!! Pudding is delicious and she should thank her lucky stars and stripes that we won the revolutionary war or pudding would be made from onions and sheep organs. These delightful cups of patriotism come in a variety flavors that will almost always satisfy your sweet tooth. Except coconut cream. Don't eat that. Leave that for the British. Maybe they can mix in some mince meat to improve the flavor. Meanwhile, grab a snack pack, mix up a smile, and God Bless America!
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Licorice
I think the root of her hatred for licorice is that she doesn't like the taste and smell of anise. She really HATES these delightful anise flavored confections despite all the health benefits one receives from eating anise. Good luck with that ulcer Kristie.
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Finger Licking
Nothing will send Kristie running from the room faster than someone licking their fingers. You want to ruin her day? Grab a bucket of KFC original recipe and start giving those phalanges a tongue bath. She’ll sprint out of the room like Usain Bolt.
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Tangled Headphones
If you want to see some OCD go TNT, just pull this pocket of chaos from your gym shorts without a trigger warning. You’ll likely see a cringe that would make Tony Little’s perm straighten. After your workout, but before you post about it on Facebook, make sure she sees you ball it up and jam it back into your pocket. The mental exercises she’ll go through are all part of the holistic program.
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Aldi
I guess a common ancestry is not enough to overcome this family owned business reputation for selling more knock-offs than the Joppatowne flea market. Brand loyalty coupled with a 25 cent cart rental is a brücke too far. I do suspect that this could all change real quick if our local Aldis start a wine offering. She’d drop 50 cents quicker than you can spell BMW and load both carts FULL of Jendall Kackson Chardonnay.
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Sausage
Walking past a Hickory Farms kiosk and outta nowhere, “I HATE sausage.” I’m all like, “Whoa, whoa, whoa, slow your meat roll. You can’t just say something like that without reason.” Then she’s all like, “Yes I can.” Then I’m all slumped over thinking I’ll never eat sausage again. It takes me a good 20 minutes before it hits me. She doesn’t hate sausage, she Hates Christmas.
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Bruce Springsteen
Bruce can just go ahead and stuff that dirty trucker hat in his back pocket and take that Long Walk Home to the Streets of Philadelphia because he is not making it to Kristie’s Spotify playlist. There can only be one BOSS and YOU aren’t it!!
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Pizza Hut
Kristie will skip right past a pizza that has twice raised dough made fresh every day, pure mozzarella cheese, only the finest toppings, and go to Little Caesars. I’m not talking about the old school double pizza box for $6.99 “Pizza, Pizza” Little Caesar’s. I’m talking half-abandoned strip mall, single box, pep or cheese for $5.55 Little Caesar’s. It’s been years since I’ve enjoyed a pan full of that homemade taste. This is what Will Byers must have felt like trapped in the Upside Down.
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El Camino
How can anyone possibly hate the mullet of the car industry? When I heard those words it felt like I needed to burn all of my old high school photos. Name another classic American muscle car that has a 454 Big Block, can haul a yard of red mulch, and get you a wife named Sally Ann. Can’t do it can you?
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California Love
It doesn’t matter if you’re from Long Beach or Rosecrans.
It doesn’t matter if you know how to party or how much you keep it rocking. You can take them Sassoons and Liberace diamonds all the way back to 1982 because Kristie……. Hates, hate it baby, hate, hates it Hates, hate it mama, hate it Cali Hates, hate it baby, hate, hates it Hates, hate it mama, hate it Cali |
Paddle BoardingKristie likes sun, water, and exercising. Want to know how to take these three things and ruin it for her? Throw in a paddle board. It's like solving the Incompatible Food Triad and then covering it with onion dip.
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Prosciutto
Prosciutto is derived from Latin pro (before) + exsuctus (past participle of exsugere "to suck out [the moisture]". Kristie just refers to it as "suctus". She HATES it. Mostly because she has seen a salted pig leg hanging from a barn ceiling.
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Hot Dogs
I'm dumbfounded that someone with German heritage and a Dundalk pedigree could HATE the All-American hot dog. Its very suspicious and I wouldn't be surprised if Robert Mueller requested an interview after this revelation.
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The MuppetsFor most of us born in the 70’s, our love of Jim Henson’s creations began with the Muppet Show. This was a prime time event that joined families around the console television for a few laughs. Recently when I tried to introduce our little one to The Muppet Christmas Carol I realized not EVERY family bonded around these adorable puppets. It’s not easy being mean.
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HugsIf you ever tried giving Kristie a hug you will immediately recognize her reaction. Its the same one we'd all give if someone tried to shake your hand with a bloody stump. Do not expect to her to appreciate your show of affection, as she will likely view this gesture as an invasion of her personal space. Approach at your own risk.
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Shakira
Loved by millions, hated by one. You can not sing like Kermit the Frog and hop on Kristie's playlist. Shakira can take those Grammy's and shove them where the Hips Don't Lie. See what i did there?
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Slow Walkers
Actual Text Message: "I hate when people walk slow!!! Seriously makes me so anxious and I want to run them over." Kristie, Please Don't. Season 13 Ep. 76 of 'The Fosters will still be On Demand when you get home. You're not gonna miss anything.
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Being Haved?Sooooo, she might not actually hate it, but she sure hated when I laughed at her asking our daughter this. Note to self: Do not laugh at word reanalysis or you will get being moaned.
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AlexaAmazon offered an deal that on the Echo that I could not refuse. Apparently I should have. I have never personally seen a human verbally abuse AI like i did the day I turned on the device. After asking Alexa a question and before it could answer, she screamed "ALEXA STOP TALKING!!". I'm pretty sure this is exactly why Skynet turns against the humans in the Terminator. It can't be coincidence that the T-5000 was nicknamed "Alex".
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Disney WorldThere's only one person who can hate the most magical place on Earth. In my opinion, I don't think this hatred does not bubble up because Disney is so expensive or oppressively hot in June. Its not because you feel like Moses after walking around 3 parks or your child has a face smeared with melted ice cream and is cranky from waiting in line. Its because people are happy. She hates that many happy people in one place. Its really not natural. Disney disrupts the natural order of things and Kristie hates that
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Jackfruit
I only know of two foods that Kristie has spit out. Onion and Jackfruit. I’m actually surprised at this one for two reasons. 1. I didn’t think it was horrible. 2. I’m pretty sure it came from that weird aisle in the grocery store that she loves where all the hipsters and freaks go to buy their Kombucha and dried kale. The National fruit of Bangladesh is nothing to be celebrated in our house.
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Florida Ice Cream
That ice cream and its sprinkles melted faster than Kristie can say "I Hate That". I was little unsure why someone over 12 would get sprinkles, but who am I to judge. Part of me wishes I would have spoken up so I could have turned this into a "I Told You So" moment, but the other part of me wants to live. Needless to say this was a lesson we all learned the hard way while visiting Orlando. Kristie Hates Florida Ice Cream.
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Sharing an Arm Rest
Without asking permission, someone decided to share an armrest with Kristie at the airport. How dare they invade her personal space and put a supersized diet cola, small coffee, wrinkled napkins, 6 sugar packs, and 4 creamers on one of her two arm rests. Cant you see that you are interrupting the peace and tranquility that comes from beating level 563 of Bejeweled Candy Farm Crush and gaining 16 more diamond crusted donuts? How else do you expect her to trade for the lollipop Goats she needs to graze through level 612? The nerve of some people. As a side note, this was made worse by Kristies hatred of McDonalds. That will come later.
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Something Else?
To be clear, Kristie doesn't HATE Dunkin Donuts. She just hates that they ask "Something Else?" after every single item you order. I know the image is confusing but I didn't know how to post an image of Hospitality. KristieHates Hospitality. I think what I (most people) view as hospitality she perceives as an interruption and they interrupt A LOT when you are placing an order. They even ask it on their website (see below). Learn More and let them know how you feel.
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Adam Levine's Platinum Hair
I'm honestly surprised it took this long for Adam to make the list. While the ladies seems to love Adam, he does have one detractor. Kristie. Just from this picture I think its safe to assume that Kristie also hates Justin Bieber, Anderson Cooper, Ellen, Nick Carter, and now Katy Perry. There wasn't single night during season 12 of The Voice that I didn't hear how much she hates the "Platinum 5" front man's hair.
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Red Mulch
As far as I can tell, there are 3 different colors of mulch and that's one too many. I made this recent hateful discovery on a casual stroll through our neighborhood. The logic that red mulch is soooo dated and "80's" made me wonder if Larry and Balki live on this street. Maybe one of the Golden Girls? Whoever lives here needs to throw on some stirrup pants pull out those shoulder pads and get to switching to black mulch because you're bringing the property value down. Click below to see why the Grumpy Gardener agrees.....
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Rearranging the Grocery Aisle
So once every few months I remind myself why I don't go grocery shopping with Kristie. I do this because I'm dumb. I'm an adult and I should know better. I don't....because I'm dumb. On our latest trip, I caught the rearrangement wrath. Now this should have been directed at the manager, but I was closer. You're welcome Giant Food manager. Seriously, how dare they move the stone ground, organic, flax seed, seven grain, aluminum-free pancake disaster next to the Lucky Charms!!! Its supposed to be next to the Raisins you sh#$heads! Don't you know that we had to walk two aisle's over just to add it to the cart??!!! OOOOMMMMMGGGG!!!! I can't even right now. Cue RAGE. Don't even get me started on the seafood counter. If you want an idea of my post grocery experience, click below.
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Video Blog Recipes
When Kristie needs a recipe, she just wants the instructions. She doesn't need to hear how the Quinoa reminds you of that time little Jimmy had Thrush or how the Tarragon takes you back to the days as a youngster when you had to rub grandma's feet. She especially doesn't have time to listen to you yammer on about how the no-bake-chocolate-chip-cookie-dough-brownie-cake-bar won't affect how you look in your LuLaRoe. Its a lie anyway. You attention starved recipe freaks should learn to just stare directly into the camera and read the recipe from your index card like a normal person! Kristie doesn't care about your personal life, get to the food damn it!!
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Being Awake
When you are asleep more than awake, you HATE being awake. Kristie doesn't just sleep, she hibernates. Every. Single. Day. Before you start offering your Greys Anatomy degree diagnosis, shes been checked out. She just loves sleeping. She's pretty much considered a functional sleep-a-holic.
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P.D.A.
"Grow the F@$% Up." - Kristie's exact words every time she people swapping spit or heavy petting in public. PDA is next level hand holding and she absolutely HATES that couples get lost in the moment. This lack of self control shows that you are not prepared to live in the same world as her. Loser. Click the link below to learn all of the things you SHOULDN'T be doing.
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Being Wrong
I wish I could be more confident about this one, but she's never wrong so its hard to judge. Lets just assume that Lady Kristie, Dowager Countess of Forest Hill hates being wrong. As if. Christmas idea below.
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Reply All
We have all had our inboxes filled the annoying side bars that occur from its misuse. This seems to bother Kristie more than most people. I'm pretty sure I get a lesson in Reply All Etiquette at least once a month. For those of you who dont have the luxury of getting face to face training and refresher courses like me, I have attached a flow chart in the link below.
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Me Doing Her Laundry
Kristie has a rule in our house. She does the laundry. If she catches me on the rare occasion I actually do a load of laundry, she looks exactly like a person that exited a car after a collision. Here's the thing, i've never actually ruined any of her clothes that i've washed. Cold Water + Large Load + Dry at Low Heat = FOOL PROOF. I dont even understand why the machines have different settings. If you have an hour or two to waste, you can read about the rules below. Good luck retaining that useless information.
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Southpaws
If you are going to fight Kristie you better not go southpaw or you'll risk being ridiculed. She takes kickboxing lessons weekly and if you're going to spar with her, you better stand right. If you stand southy, you might as well lower your guard and get punched directly in the face. Find out if she hates you below.
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Millennial Drivers
While waiting behind a young driver attempting to parallel park their vehicle, we all discovered a new Kristie Hate. I'm not sure if she hates young drivers or the State for removing parallel parking from the drivers test. To be safe lets assume she hates both. To avoid her road rage, view the lesson below. Disclaimer: Do not watch while trying to parallel park.
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Me Standing on the Dog Bed
This is Dukes dog bed. It's a real nice L.L.Bean dog bed and Kristie hates when I stand on it. As you can see, it fits perfectly between the bed and my dresser. I put the shoe in there for reference so you can imagine me accessing the lower drawer. Oh yeah, that's our dog Duke. Kristie does NOT hate when he stands on my bed.
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Charlie Brown
An American icon that most people find lovable for his low self esteem and underdog type persona. Only seems appropriate that she would hates a cartoon about a kid who thinks everyone hates him. No harm in adding one more hater.
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SnoringHow many of you removed a body part because of something your wife HATED? I did! I snore like a demon so I had my uvula to help with snoring. Don't even get started on how much it sucked after that little son of bitch was burned from my throat. Guess what? I still snore! What do i get for all of my efforts and ten day recovery? I'll tell you what i get. I still get punched in the back!!
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Black LightsWho could possible hate the intoxicating combination of a black light and Air Supply's "Lost in Love" Album?? Have you ever tried inspecting hotel sheets without one??? Two excellent reasons to LOVE the black lights. I assume she hates them because i out one in the porch light every Halloween and shes to short to change the bulb in December.
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CampingWill there be a shower? WIll there be a clean bathroom? A bed? Can I bring my dog? I'm thinking that a pet friendly hotel is the only place we should adventure. I was able to convince my wife to spend one night in the woods this past weekend. Yes I had to coax her with the promise of alcohol and music at Devils Backbone. For what its worth, she did stay the night. She still hated it.
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Red MeatThis is a fairly recent development. Up until last summer, Kristie would frequently eat steak, burgers, pot roast, etc. Then we went to a kids party at a farm that had cows and everyone was allow to feed and pet. They would use their slimy tongues to take the food from your hand. She fell in love. No more red meat. For anyone. I must also point out that these were milk cows. We still drink milk. Its all very confusing.
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Holding Hands
Kristie: "Do you see that couple right there holding hands?"
Me: "Yeah, why?" Kristie: "Why do you think they are doing that?" Me: "Uhhhh, because they love each other?" Kristie: "Nah, i think she has vertigo." |
Gummi Bears
I cant even figure out why she dislikes Gummi Bears. Maybe its because it brings so much joy to the children? They're delicious and do not contain even an ounce of hate.
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Onions
Her most hated thing in the world. I once saw her spit out an entire shrimp salad sandwich because of a microscopic onion that was hidden inside. Her hatred for them is serious.
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Little Debbie Snack Cakes
I grew up eating several of these each day. We used to sandwich a Starcrunch between two Oatmeal Cream Pies. It was delicious and she hates them.
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Get UR Freak On
Why would anyone hate this lyrical genius?
"Who's that bitch? People you don't know Me and Timbaland been hot since twenty years ago What the dealio? Now what the drilly, yo If you wanna battle then......let me know Holla, gotta feel me son" |
Subway
I've actually gone to Subway and witnessed her order several types of sandwiches from the Subway artists. Never once did she say she hated them. One day I suggested we go there for lunch and she must of had a different place in mind. Since it was my suggestion, she hates them now.
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Rick "with" Machonne
Why would anyone hate the zombie apocalyptic version of Kim and Kanye? She dislikes this power couple because she thinks that they are more like siblings than lovers. I present to you the opposing argument in the link below.
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SodaWho wouldn't hate a 48% statistical increase in heart attacks or stroke from daily consumption of soda? Not her, she's hates the taste.
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Olives
Deuteronomy 28:40: "Disobedience to God would result in the loss of the olive crop." GOD can sit down, Bye Olives.
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MMA
I've heard her say about a million times that she would love to punch someone in the face; but, she doesn't actually like watching people get punched in the face. Maybe she wants to punch them with her eyes closed?
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Taxes
Cant argue with this one. File your complaints through the link below.
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Guitar SolosApparently soloing by the guitarist takes away from the singing; therefore, she hates it. According to her, the Bass is where the magic happens. She's dead to me.
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My Shirt
One of my better ideas. I'm gonna wear the hell out of this shirt.
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Jorts (men only)
Hating a man wearing a pair of shorts that are representative of resoursefulness, stability, and altruism? I'm pretty sure a man wearing Jorts is more interested in you than he is himself, but that's none of my business.
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Comcast
To be labeled the worst company in America is no easy task. To make this list........well.......that's pretty easy. Regardless, this company didn't do themselves any favors entering into a lengthy battle with her that ended with them apologizing and send her a tin of Tastykakes. Guess what? #KristieHates Tastykakes.
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Tastykakes
Most likely her hatred for Tastykakes is directly linked to the Comcast apology. Once you make her mad, shes like a Godzilla of hatred and everything around her is Tokyo. Sorry Tastykakes, you've become collateral damage.
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